Two Idiots
by Dave Stridork
Summary: Humanstuck!Davekat. My first attempt at writing a fanfic in quite a while. Rated M for language and some possible other things later in the fic.
1. Chapter 1 - I hate this dude

(Karkat's POV)

Well, it's really sunny today. I'll probably get a horrible sunburn. Even worse, Strider just came up to me and is walking next to me. I hate putting up with this dick, and I've only known him for like, a week or two.. He thinks he's so infallible and cool or whatever, and any time I tell him how stupid he is or that I hate him, he gets this smug look on his face like he ENJOYS being hated or thinks it's funny or some other dumb shit. That or he's just really fucking stupid.  
It's probably the latter.

Anyways, I'm Karkat Vantas. I'm short, annoying and angry, I always look tired, I cuss a lot, and I just moved to a dumb town in the suburbs where I attend Skaia High with my closest (only) friend, Kanaya. That's all there really is to know about my shitty self. The REAL focus here and now is the asshole walking next to me, named Dave Strider. Man, does he push my buttons like no fucking tomorrow.

"Hey, short dude."  
I ignore him. Not just because I don't want to talk to him, it's also for the sheer satisfaction of pissing him off, if I could. Either way, I just stare kind of downwards and continue walking and ignoring him.  
"Yo, duuude." He's trying to get my attention again. I roll my eyes and groaned, still not replying to him. Suddenly I'm pulled to the side and closer to him, with me narrowly avoiding collision with a telephone pole. Not realizing that he just saved me from parading face first into a giant log like an idiot, I pushed him away from me . "What the everloving fuck, Stridouche?" I was used to him doing obnoxious things already, but that didn't make me any less angry (or confused, at the time).  
He was probably just trying to woo me or flirt with me like he does with just about everyone else. To pull me close to him in some stupid romantic way because I'll 'Always be close no matter what'.

Why am I having any thoughts involving Dave and romance? Ew. That's not at all what I'm looking for and I don't know why I was picking that out specifically, of all things.

"I got you out of the way of that pole, that's what the everloving fuck, Vantas"

"Oh."

"Well it's not like I asked for your help." I can avoid collisions with telephone poles any way I want, and I don't need Strider's help for that.

"Yeah well if I didn't get you out of the way then you'd have a face full of wood."  
Seconds after finishing his sentence, he smirked to himself.

"Ugh, what the fuck ever." I groaned just before walking away in a bit of a huff.

We finally arrive at Skaia high, and I walk inside quickly in an attempt to avoid talking to him more. Despite the fact that I wanted, and still want nothing to do with him-in first period, I kept getting really distracted by him for some reason.

I walk into the next class sit down next to him. Why did my past self have to pick this seat out of all of them. After only a week I regret choosing this this one. Throughout the entire class he just keeps turning to me and smirking, chuckling, or making some weird sexual gesture with his hands as a joke or something. I couldn't even pay attention to whatever the teacher was saying half of the time. Ugh.

After class, when we're all just walking out, he stops me in the hallway.  
"Yo man what's hangin"  
Uh, what makes him think he can just talk to me like everything's all chill or whatever?

"Nothing. Nothing is hanging. Though I may as fucking WELL BE when I have to talk to you."

"Well, okay."

He looked almost offended, though anyone who's known him for more than a day could tell that he wasn't.

"Anyway, you're welcome. For practically saving your life." He looked proud of himself, though obviously for some reason other than actually helping someone. I couldn't tell what it was though, and I didn't really care.

"One, you didn't save my life at all. Two, I didn't fucking thank you", I hiss at him angrily

"I know," He paused. "But you will be later." He said that in his 'This is an innuendo' voice, then smirked. He looks like he's winking in some 'ironic' way, as he would put it-but I can't really tell because of his shades. I dunno why he added the extra wink, I mean there wasn't any need for emphasis on anything, I don't think. The only other reason I can think is that he'd do that is if he was almost serious, but there's no way he would ever like me anyway-not that I wanted him to, though.

I'm so over-analyzing this.

I realized after a moment that I still didn't respond. I angrily spurted out "How about no fucking way in hell", and all he did was chuckle quietly and then stand there. What the fuck is this dude's PROBLEM?  
After he didn't do anything for a little bit, I decided to get my things together for English, which was next period. After that, I left, and Dave was still just standing there. Fucking weirdo.


	2. Chapter 2 - I can't stop spacing out

**Authors note:**

**Sorry this one is a bit shorter, I'm hoping on making the chapters longer and posting them more frequently ; v ;**

(Dave's POV)

Yeah okay, I'll say it. I think Karkat can be pretty goddamn adorable. And so much fun to kiss off. Wait, shit, _what_? I meant piss off. Where the hell did kiss even **come** from in that fuckup of a sentence..?

Oh shit right, Karkat responded to what I said.

"How about no fucking way in hell"

I chuckled for a second and just kind of stood there and stared at him for a bit. He couldn't tell though, thanks to my shades. Gotta love these babies.

I must have zoned out while staring at him because suddenly he had his books in his arms and was heading to the room where English-our next class-is held. I quickly got my stuff and start walking down the hall just before the bell rings.  
I sat in my seat and the teacher proceeded with normal class-things once everyone else arrived. Except some kid named Sollux who is apparently sick today. Apparently it had to do something with eating WAY too much honey in one serving and going sugar-crazy then throwing up. I didn't really care.

I basically just sat around and ignored the teacher and whatever she's talking about with the book we're all currently reading. The people sitting next to me are John and Rose; John is my best bro and Rose is my step-cousin, who has a huge crush on Karkat's friend that he always hangs out with (who is currently sitting next to him closer to the front of the room).  
I don't get to sit next to Karkat in English.

'Get to'? Wow brain, get it the fuck together. I don't even like Karkat like that. At all. Plus he totally hates me. Which is almost worth how much fun it is to piss him off. Almost.  
Though I do admit that it would be kinda cool to be brodudes with him but that probably ain't gonna happen. It's all cool though, yeah.

I apparently had zoned out for quite a while when thinking (about Karkat nonetheless), because the bell rang again and I hardly even noticed until Rose nudged me to get my attention.  
And soon enough, a herd of teenagers floods the hallways to head towards the cafeteria for lunch, and I go after them, but stick behind for a bit before leaving. To put it in short, I spaced the hell out while packing my stuff. I walked through the hall, to the cafeteria, and then to the table where Rose and John are sitting, along with some other friends. I immediately pick out Jade, Kanaya, some chick named Vriska that John's been talking to a lot recently, and... Karkat's not there. Oh well.

Wait, there, he just walked in the door. He comes and sits in the only vacant spot at the table, which is the one right next to me. The rest of the tables were filled with people none of us knew, and everyone at our table seemed to preoccupied to move and make a spot for him.  
He then glares and me angrily and rolls his eyes. What did I ever actually do to him? Besides piss him off a whole ton.  
Okay, I guess that's a good reason to be mad at me, but still.

"Yo, Karkat."

"What he hell do you want?"

"Do you wanna come over later"

"Why the hell would I want to go to your house and be stuck with you there?"

"Because I'm cool is why."

"Hah. You're not cool."

"Wow that really hurts me, Karkat."

He rolled his eyes and groaned. "Obviously." Then he just continued eating like I didn't even talk to him in the first place. I like this kid's style.

"So... Is that a yes or no to coming to my house?"

"You know what, screw it. Yeah I'll go to your house or whatever. It's not like I have anything better to do anyway."

"Kay cool. I'll text my bro about it now"


	3. Chapter 3 - Soda

(Karkat's POV)

Maybe Dave isn't quuuuuiiiite as lame as I thought he was.  
Apparently he writes music, and while it isn't actually that great, it's better than I could ever do. And among his "ironically shitty art", there were actually a few legit good pieces.

After school, we hung out at his house for a bit and then we did some homework together.  
Okay, it was more like him helping me with homework, but whatever.

"Wow you're actually not as stupid as I thought you were.." I thought out loud to myself. That was kind of an asshole-ish thing to say-but he'd either understand what I meant, or he'd think I was intentionally being a dick, and either way, it probably wouldn't affect the situation.

"Thanks." He was looking at me and actually kind of... Genuinely smiling. And the way he said it didn't even indicate any of his so-called "irony" at all. He actually understood it as a compliment. Maybe he's even LESS stupid than I thought he was just a moment ago.  
I guess you could say that I think he's smart, but I'd probably never say that out loud, so don't even get any hopes up.

After we just kinda sat there for a while, Dave got off the couch and went off towards his room. "Yo I'm gonna go get a soda." His kitchen was practically unusable because there were puppets and shitty swords all over the floor and counters, and also in just about every appliance. So it made sense that he kept soda in his room, I guess.

"Kay."  
I paused.  
"Wait! Mountain Dew me?"

".. Uh what"  
... Why was he so confused?

"Uh, Mountain Dew me? As in get me a fucking soda?" What I meant should be pretty damn obvious.

"Ohhhh. Okay. Yeah. Will do." He nodded and seemed relieved and... I don't know, some other emotion that I couldn't read because of his stupid damn sunglasses that he wears constantly.

"What the hell did you think I meant?"

".. Nothin."

"Dude seriously, like what else could that mean? All I said was MOUNT-AIN-DEW-M..

Oh.  
Oh my god."

I do not want Dave Strider to mount and do me. Or do me at all. See, MOUNTAIN DEW-ING me is fine because who doesn't like soda? Well, I guess some people don't. But either way, I am in no way interested in the Strider boy or his...  
Yeah I'm not even continuing that thought. Nope.  
No.

He laughed really hard for two full minutes and then continued on to his room, coming back a few moments later with one Rootbeer and one Mountain Dew can, then sat down next to me again, but a little closer than before. Actually, a lot closer. Before, he was sitting over a foot away and now he's only sitting a few inches away from me. I guess I don't care that much though, I mean like, why does it even matter?

He turned on the TV and we chilled out for a bit. And then I opened my soda can. Annnnnd then there was soda everywhere. More specifically, the majority of the soda was on my lap. That was definitely not a good thing.  
You could even say it was incredibly shitty and awkward. which it was.

"Yo, you have a little bit of soda on your lap."

"Wow, do I? I didn't fucking notice! Thanks for the heads up!"

"Welcome, hold back on the sarcam a bit.

Anyway, what ado about those pants."

"I don't know, but I better be reimbursed for all these goddamn damages."

"Yeah, yeah. I'll get those pants right off for you, 'n then get you some new ones, good as new."

"How about you get me pants and I get my own pants off. Far away from you. And then put the other ones on."

"Aw man, you're takin' away all of the fun."

"Not like you're ever getting any fun from me, so what's it matter?"

"Jeez, Karkat, I really got my hopes up there."

"Yeah, I'm sure you did. Now can you please get me some pants?"

"Fine. I'll take my sad and woeful self and go find some extra pantaloons, your highness."

"Your highness? What am I, the king of soda'd pants, or what?"

"Nah, you're the queen. I'm the king."

"Yeah."

Okay, now what the hell? He sounded kind of actually flirty and serious there. I stared at him for a good while in confusion, though it didn't show on my face that much I guess, since he didn't make any annoying jokes out of it. But then I realized I just kind of casually agreed with him. And that I was staring at him.  
Not even like, glaring. I was just looking at him. I don't know why, because I mean he's still an asshole and a dick.  
Actually, he's... Not that bad. He's funny, fairly smart, and to be honest, actually kind of attractive...

Shit. I'm still staring at him. And he's just kind of staring back at me.

"So, um, are you going to go get me some pants, or what?"

"Right, sorry"

And with that, he left me to sit with my thoughts and a pair of wet pants.


End file.
